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| This must be jet lag. Or maybe its my malaria meds. Or maybe its just an over-active mind that hasn't stopped since my trip last week. Whatever it is, I woke up thinking about deep things, and this is my attempt at settling down enough to go back to sleep.
I don't enjoy arguments. I don't enjoy the awkwardness and the upset feeling in my stomach that comes from them. I enjoy peace, harmony and calm. It seems to be a prevailing theme in my life lately, the importance and need for peace and calm. I appreciate those things especially since I've experienced so many more arguments this year as a whole. Now, more than ever, I realize the joys of agreeing to disagree with someone and the act of choosing to love (or like) someone regardless of their personal beliefs. Even within the Christian community (a community I have always been attached to in one way or another), there are disagreements that span over all sorts of issues and fuel all kinds of passions. I have been a part of many of them, and I have witnessed their raw intensity more times than I would have liked. Those kinds of arguments always seem to include (and ultimately end with) emotional outbursts that hurt more than they heal. After the year or two that I've had, I've realized how sensitive I've become with this topic. I find myself naturally shying away from volatile situations that could become fiery and unforgiving, not because of fear but because of maturity. I also find myself looking for warning signs that could signal future eruptions. It's not that I don't like debates or discussions with people of opposing views. If they happen, they happen...but if I involve myself in a discussion like that, it will be with someone I know will not attack and degrade and insult due to frustration. And I'm finding that I'm getting good at predicting when to talk and when to just listen and keep things to myself. But while I appeciate and recognize the development in myself, it comes only because I have seen how easily people of all kinds are ok with arguing. And thats sad to me.
Isn't a big part of life about growth? As humans, even our ears and noses don't stop growing, so right there, that has to say something (other than the dismal fact that my ears and nose are only going to get bigger with age). I've been thinking a lot about growth this year, even evolution of sorts (not in the "creation of the world" way). I don't believe growth as a human being is possible unless one has a certain amount of humility in his life. To grow, I have to be able to admit that I don't have all the answers, that there is something that I don't know. And I have to be willing to listen to other points of view with the possibility that maybe my way isn't as figured out as I thought it was. That is true humility in my mind....giving yourself the ability to believe you aren't as together as you'd like to think.
Many people in my life would say I've grown a lot over the past years. Some would say I've grown in a healthy way, some would disagree. Some of my perspectives have changed, and some of them have strengthened. But growth and change isn't always seen as a good thing. I spoke recently with an old friend from back home. Our friendship was started in kind of a mentoring way, one helping the other in what is sometimes a commonly awkward growing stage of life. Being someone that was involved in youth ministry at different churches, I found myself in situations like this fairly often. But that was a while ago, and since then, we both have grown up and moved to different parts of the country and started different lives with different occupations. And while we still keep in touch via occasional IMs or emails, we haven't spent any concentrated amounts of time together in years. Our lives are different than they were 6, 7, 8 years ago. And we've both grown a lot. But like I said earlier, I know from experience that change isn't always smile upon, especially when 6, 7, 8 years ago, I thought I had things more figured out than I actually did...at least, I did a really great job of pretending like I did. Its hard to discuss growth and change when it involves having to reintroduce yourself to people you've known for a really long time, and during this particular conversation with my friend, I found myself skipping over chunks of my life for the sake of keeping the waters calm. And I didn't like that I did that, and it got me thinking about humility.
On the other end of the spectrum, I had a different experience with another friend also pretty recently, but it too ended with a similar frustration and observation about humility. This particular friend is one that I haven't known very long and one that I was rather excited about getting to know. Its easy to meet people in a big city, but when the big city is an extremely shallow city, its sometimes hard to find people to have good conversations with or at least find people who you know are capable of experiencing depth to some degree. This friend was one of those people, someone who brought something different to the table. And with that said, he was also someone who differed with me on a lot of issues, socially and politically. So while I was excited about a new friendship, I also found myself doing what I had done with my old friend from home...skipping over things, things that included my thoughts of different issues and situations that would come up. Again, I was holding back for the sake of keeping the mood peaceful and the waters calm. And why? The few times we would approach issues, I could feel where the discussion would go if I were to talk openly. I felt a sense of extreme conviction on his part, and I recognized it because I've seen it in others before. Its the conviction that turns passionate opinions into harmful disagreements. Maybe I was being too presumptuous. Maybe I was trying to be too safe. But considering I don't speak very often to this certain friend anymore, it makes me think that I was right in my assumptions.
I wish more people in my life had humility, the kind that allowed for gentle and kind conversation between two people, neither of whom had all the answers. I like humble people. LA tends to drown them out. Image is exalted, egos are born and fed, and the physical becomes a very important factor in finding success. Admitting weakness in oneself is...well...weak. And this town feeds on weak people. What's funny is that most of this town IS weak, they just play the game and put on masks that make them look stronger than they actually are. But all that aside, humble people are so easy for me to be around because I don't have to pretend so hard to be strong in front of them. I'm not strong. I have my strengths, and I am secure in many things...but I'm not strong in every aspect of my life. And humble people are easy to talk to. I find conversations much more rewarding when they consist of sentences like "I believe this way, but I also could be wrong".
So yeah, I wish people as a whole were more humble. I am surrounded by people who are determined in their beliefs, almost rigid in them. Back home, they tend to be extremely conservative. Here, they tend to be extremely liberal. In both cases, extremes turn me off, and its all because extreme viewpoints tend to lack humility and understanding. I want people around me to be steady and confident but willing to bend a little, too. I used to be rigid and stubborn and close minded. I didn't like the person I was when I was like that. Passion is respectable, but stubbornness is not. Determination is admirable, but close mindedness is not. If I'm not willing to bend a little, if I'm not able to admit that I might not have ALL the answers, how can I grow? Doesn't growth involve some sort of expansion? And if I've got it set in my brain that I have it ALL figured out the way it absolutely is, then there is no room for expansion.
And here I thought growing pains stopped after puberty. Maybe some peoples do. Maybe thats the problem.
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| Man...I forgot all about Xanga for a while there...anyway, I took a trip to Sri Lanka this week (still here, actually), and I wanted to post this blog that I had on my MySpace, but then I realized that a lot of people (like the family) don't have a clue about MySpace and would deal with this a bit easier. So here it is...some of my Sri Lankan-induced ramblings:
So its my last night in Sri Lanka. Its also my first night alone since I got here. Shannon went back to India for work, and I fly out tomorrow. Its been my first quiet day with nothing on the agenda. We both knew this was the best way to end a trip like this, taking time to reflect and think about the past week. Right now, I'm sitting in a dark room with the blinds open. I can hear the wind and rain from the tropical thunderstorm outside, and I can see the waves break every time lightning flashes which is just about every 10 seconds. Its a rather peaceful feeling considering the chaotic storm thats raging a few feet from my bed. Up until tonight, I've been feeling some pressure to experience this great philosophical lesson that was waiting for me in South Asia. Of course, with all the ways of thinking that focus on inner tranquility that seem to define this area of the world, I was coming here with the expectation of something that I wouldn't be able to find in the craziness of Los Angeles. I left in a pretty frazzled frame of mind, overwhelmed with certain circumstances that I couldn't quite get under my control. I said I needed a break from everything, and I certainly got that opportunity when this trip came up. Traveling to the other side of the world seemed like quite the break I needed. But would I come away with this Far East enlightened state of mind? AH, the pressure...
Immediately, I started noticing how different my life was from those traveling around me. By the time I got to my gate and on the plane in LA, I had already rolled my eyes more than usual (which for me tends to be a lot). I did NOT enjoy having my personal space invaded by all the smelly foreigners I kept finding myself next to. I was glad to land after my 15 hour flight to Hong Kong, and I was eager to get past the 10 hour layover. But once the stress of a new experience wore off, and once I calmed down and got my bearings, I went into observation mode. I love to people watch, and thats usually how the ramblings of my mind get started. Here I was in one of the world's largest airports, and I was surrounded by all sorts of people from different places. Ipod on, I went walking for a couple hours and checked out my fair share of Chinese gift shops and the random people who were shopping in them. I eventually found a Starbucks and started befriending a few people that I knew spoke my language (English, not Starbucks). We traded stories about our countries, talk about our travel experiences, and laughed about quirky foreigners. That was all fine, and it was a great first day out of my comfort zone, but it took living in a completely foreign country for a week to really start noticing the differences in lifestyles.
I did some amazing things this week. I held rescued sea turtles, hung out with bathing elephants, and walked barefoot in Buddhist temples. I drank straight from a coconut, ate red bananas, and went swimming in the Indian Ocean. I also got to witness all sorts of different people in their normal walks of life which ended up being just as cool as the other stuff. In observing the people around me, I noticed all kinds of things like differences between peace and chaos, kindness and abrasiveness. I also noticed similarities in people of completely different cultures. All in all, I had a very well rounded trip, and it was definitely unlike any other I've had before. But how do I put that all into writing? I'll never be able to sum it up in one sitting. I'll never be able to say "THIS is the grand lesson I learned that changed my life" simply because there isn't just one thing I learned. In fact, there are too many experiences to even verbalize. But I'm in the mood to write, so I'll attempt to jot down a few thoughts on the matter.
Today is my "solitary day", and I've been reflecting for most of it. Someone asked me earlier what feeling I felt most often while here. One thing I felt was pride...pride in where I came from, pride in my country, pride in the way I was raised. Sure, the great USA has its faults, but as a whole, I am so blessed to be living in a country where I was easily able to get an education and pursue just about anything I wanted. From the first day of hanging out in the Hong Kong airport to walking the streets of a town built in and around a real life jungle in Sri Lanka, the fingerprints of my country and its culture are all over the place. I am thousands and thousands of miles from home, yet just yesterday, I was eating pizza at Pizza Hut and listening to Britney Spears sing a Christmas song on the radio. Everywhere I went, the majority of the people I came in contact with spoke English to some degree. I never really had to struggle too hard to communicate because no matter where I went, people had had some sort of contact with something from my country, be it TV or music or just plain old education. I don't mean to sound prideful or cocky because its not that at all...its just an observation that really, I am so amazingly blessed to have been brought up where and how I was. It really makes me appreciate things I normally take for granted. The things I worry about on a daily basis pale in comparison to typical worries here. I think about my normal woes back home...I don't have enough time to catch up on my TIVO...someone skipped ahead of me in line at Starbucks...it took me 20 mins to get to work today instead of 10...I didn't get enough attention from the people I wanted...I'm not as fit as that person over there...I don't make enough money to buy all the stuff I want for Christmas presents....blah blah blah. Seriously, I was humbled this week by the simple fact that I am spoiled compared to SO MANY people. My family's home was destroyed by a tsunami 2 years ago...I don't have to climb trees to collect coconuts every day just so I can get enough money to buy rice for meals...I don't have to walk to and from places in the pouring rain...I don't have to beg tourists to buy pieces of fruit and wooden toys so I can earn money. This is where the other side of the issue comes up...I have pride and gratitude for my country and the opportunities I have because of it, but I also have such disdain for the shallow things that I find myself concerned with every day, things that I don't think twice about. I am so easily caught up with myself because thats the downside of my culture...its very self-seeking, very self-promoting, and I am guilty more times than not of getting affected and swept up by it. Kill or be killed...get ahead however you can...keep on progressing, keep on climbing the ladder, don't look back. Sure, these are extreme attitudes, but we all have them at one point or degree. We all are programmed to think for ourselves, to be our own lookout. And that is one thing I don't see here. Drive in this city for a few minutes and you'll notice an intense lack of aggression. Sure, its chaotic and sure, there are clueless drivers, just like back home. But the lack of road rage is blaring. There seems to be this unspoken understanding that if someone is going a little faster, you give them some room to keep moving. You don't fight for your space, you don't teach them a lesson. You let them go at their own pace as they are letting you. And I'm telling you...I've been driving around in this country for a week now, sometimes hours at a time, and I've seen it over and over again. Like i said before, its not like every one over here is the epitome of perfection. There are some rather rude (by my standards) people who cut in line and aren't very aware in general. BUT the patience and acceptance of those people is amazing. The willingness to give people the benefit of the doubt is touching. We had an amazing driver/tour guide named Christie, and he was by far the highlight of the vacation. He took us to places we never would have found, and I learned so much just by watching him interact. You would think from the way he asked random strangers for directions that he was the king of the land and that everyone knew him by name. Everyone was so helpful and kind and open, acting like they were old friends. There wasn't the feeling of entitlement or arrogance. One thing I remember Christie telling me happened after we left the largest Buddhist temple in the country. This place was jammed with pilgrims and visitors, and Shannon and I kept getting shoved to the side as we were trying to take pictures and observe everything going on around us. There were no manners, there was no social etiquette, and people just cut in line and went along their way without consideration of anyone around. Christie saw my irritation and encouraged me to shrug it off, saying, "just remember...this area is not as educated as where we come from. They just don't know any different. Its nothing personal". That man laughed off everything that would normally boil my blood. What I saw as rude and imposing, he saw as actions from someone that just didn't realize what they were doing.
Another thing that stands out in my mind is the power of a kind word or gesture. I was always told growing up that a soft word turns away wrath (good ole Proverbs). Add that to the golden rule of treating others how you would want to be treated, and you got yourself a pretty pleasant recipe for putting people in a better mood, and for the most part, people here seem to have that down. Now, I am not necessarily the biggest people person. I am not outgoing, and I'm not the life of the party. But this week, I've met more strangers and started more conversations with said strangers than I have in years. From the time I landed in China, I noticed how friendly people were, especially if you acknowledged them first. I'm used to putting on the blank stare and feeling alone in the middle of a crowded space (ie, those awkward crowded elevator rides where no one says a word to each other because...well, because they're strangers). But here, I've felt so comfortable looking people in the eye, and usually that action is met with a smile back at me. Its an incredibly powerful and positive thing to simply be kind to someone and to have that person be kind back. There were a few times this week where a rare breakdown in communication (ordering room service, for example) tempted me to act entitled ("Hello, I'm a hotel guest. If you're going to answer the phone in English, at least be able to understand the menu well enough to take my order!"). Sometimes I would catch myself and let it go. But sometimes I would exhibit that selfish attitude I hate in others. And every single time that I let it go, smiled and said "thank you" despite the outcome, I didn't think twice about it. But the few times I let something get to me, I found it really toxic in my mind. I found it easier to dwell on the negatives and could feel myself getting grumpy. And over what...a misunderstood order from a restaurant or a less-than-crystal-clear TV channel? I think I'm better off sticking to the humble and cheerful reaction than the alternative. It is definitely true that having a sort of humility and approachability pays off internally and externally. I've walked away feeling more peaceful about my dealings with people and I've met many more random strangers than I would have otherwise. Thats one more point for the Golden Rule, I guess.
Another thing I noticed was that people all over the world are seeking the same things I am. Everyone wants peace, everyone wants answers, everyone wants enlightenment. I saw Buddhists, Hindus, Muslims, and Catholics all going through their motions, all essentially seeking the same things. Whether or not they have the formula right isn't the issue to me (that's a whole other topic, that absolute truth thing)...what is important is that people all seek the same things no matter where they live, work, worship, etc. I know it seems like I'm a few steps away from singing "We are the World" and asking everyone to hold hands and sway, but I'm not meaning to be cliched or cheesy. There are hurting people everywhere, and everyone is dealing with their own personal storms. Pain, confusion, hurt...its all relative, and when you start looking at people that way, when you start realizing how similar humans are as a whole, it makes it easier to give people the benefit of the doubt. Yes, its difficult to remind yourself that maybe the person who just cut you off in traffic wasn't doing it because he's an asshole, that instead maybe he just lost his job and is stressed out about how to pay his kids tuition next month. We aren't God...we can't read minds and hearts and know everything thats going on in the world at one time. I saw myself so often in so many different people this week. I'm not Buddhist and I don't worship statues like many do here, but I do know what it means to feel scared about things and seek advice from a supernatural source. I know what its like to believe in something so passionately that I'll sacrifice for the sake of connecting to that supernatural source. I know, I know...I hear "Kumbaya" starting to play in the background too...but really...can't we all just get along? OK, kidding...I'm not THAT enlightened...you'd think I turned into a hippie or something. I didn't. I just paid attention to a lot of little things.
I need to wrap this up. I think the big thing I need to say to myself when I get back home this week is this...."WAKE UP! Are the things that make me insecure really that important? Are the standards I hold myself up to really that amazing and worthwhile? Is my life really as bad off as it feels like it sometimes? Do I really have a right to get upset when things don't work out exactly how I want?". I'm fairly certain it wont take much effort for me to fall back into my self absorbed ways, but if you're reading this now, you're allowed to remind me of my own words any time you want. In fact, I encourage it. | | |
| If anyone wants to know, I have a contact number for Satan. And hes a big fan of text messages, too.
Here's a story...
A colleague that I frequently work with on various shows traveled this past week to the Cannes Film Festival, specifically for the "The Da Vinci Code" premiere. This friend's boyfriend is one of the heads at Sony Pictures, and they're on the last night of their European trip, partying one last time in Paris.
After a few typical and drunken texts from my friend, the boyfriend takes over and starts texting me. The first text read: "By the way, I havent finished my global assault on Jesus yet".
Obviously, that had to do with the controversy over the content of "The Da Vinci Code", making light of what some religious groups are saying. Not one to get easily offended, I responded with: "Jesus can handle your assaults just fine. He's a little bigger than a movie".
Never try to converse with the drunk. You never get the last word. Minutes later, I get a reply: "Not really. Over 200 million so far. You cant win."
Clearly, they are going for shock value. People are always trying to get under my skin with comments, especially comments referring to my faith (like I'm this ordained minister or something). I write back: "Dont need to win. Jesus put up with far worse than a fictional movie."
At this point, I'm hoping they get the point and decide to give up the quest to irritate and annoy. I remind myself that if I weren't a follower of Christ, I myself would probably not give much credence to the debate going on over the movie/book.
I get one final message, and I decide to let the game die. It read: "JC is done. He has been for a long time. Your parents are simply wrong. Sorry. Be what you are and you will succeed. JC is a man and dead."
Its not every day that I hear something so outwardly and aggressively blasphemous and sacreligious. I get that there are people who believe in other religions and gods. But its rare to come face-to-face (or text-to-text) with someone who has that much anger and bitterness towards someone's faith. Either way, I'm reminded of a Scripture verse that speaks about this very thing.
"For we are not fighting against people made of flesh and blood, but against the evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against those mighty powers of darkness who rule this world, and against wicked spirits in the heavenly realms." Ephesians 6:12
Now, if thats not a glowing recommendation for the movie, I'm not sure what is! | | |
| I can't seem to get enough of this song. I'm posting lyrics along with the song itself because there are some good words in it, especially the last 2 mins of it.
"Imagine Me" (click here to listen)
Imagine me
Loving what I see when the mirror looks at me cuz I
I imagine me
In a place of no insecurities
And I'm finally happy cuz
I imagine me
Letting go of all of the ones who hurt me
Cuz they never did deserve me
Can you imagine me
Saying no to thoughts that try to control me
Remembering all you told me
Lord, can you imagine me
Over what my momma said
And healed from what my daddy did
And I wanna live and not read that page again
[Chorus:]
Imagine me, being free, trusting you totally, finally I can...
Imagine me
I admit it was hard to see
You being in love with someone like me
but finally I can...
Imagine me
Being strong
And not letting people break me down
You won't get that joy this time around
Can you imagine me
In a world where nobody has to live afraid
Because of your love fears gone away
Can you imagine me
Letting go of my past
And glad to have another chance
And my heart will dance
'Cause I don't have to read that page again
[Chorus x2]
[Vamp:]
This song is dedicated to people like me,
those that struggle with
insecurities, acceptance and even self esteem.
You never felt pretty
enough, you never felt good enough..
But imagine God whispering in your ear, telling you it's all gone...
Gone, gone, it's gone, all gone
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I tend to get overwhelmed pretty easily. My organized temperament likes things in their own rightful place, and I don't deal well with confusion. I find the most satisfaction in knowing what the right thing is and then doing it. I grew up listening to the same consistent voices that told me what the right thing was in any given situation. Those voices guided my thoughts and actions to the degree that the only responsibility I had was to decide whether or not to listen to those audible words. Life was pretty black and white back then.
Now I live in a world of black, white, gray, and a couple hundred shades of each. What one person swears is black is white to someone else. People have so many different influences and experiences that affect their world view. You would think that thought alone would lend itself to my believing in relativity or the absence of absolutes (say THAT 3 times in a row). But I'm already convinced absolute truth exists. 2+2=4, absolutely. I'm sure there's some zany philosopher who would debate the truth behind even something as simple as a math equation, but I think basically, and that's a pretty understandable thing that in every situation, 2+2 will always equal 4. So how can there be so many interpretations of one thing in a world where absolute truth exists?
Who the crap knows? God does, and He aint about to tell us. We're probably too stupid to get it anyway. Seriously though, we're pretty dumb creatures. No wonder there are so many Biblical references to humans being illustrated as sheep. We're just dumb, and we don't easily learn lessons. I'll be the first to admit that I say one thing and do another. And I consider myself to be a pretty bright guy.
Anyway, back to the topic at hand which is my confusion. It exists, and it drives me bonkers ( as does the exact origin of the word "bonkers"). I want to be less confused, more sure of myself, more confident in everything as a whole. To be able to stand strong and sure must be a really nice feeling, and I hear its better for the skin, too. 29 year olds shouldn't get zits unless they work over the fry pit at McDonalds.
When I get overwhelmed, I find a lot of solace in music, and more
so in lyrics. As a musical person, I've always felt like God could
communicate and calm me down with one set of lyrics that would randomly
pop out of no where. A lot of times, I'll find myself playing a song on
repeat for hours, until every word in the song is ingrained in my
brain. Sometimes I find a song that explains where my head is at, and
I'll use it as a tool to explain myself to others rather than struggle
to find the right words. This past week, I listened to a song I've
known for 8 years called "Through the Noise" by a very obscure group,
Truth. I've listened to it a hundred times since 98, but this week, I
related to a few lines....
"There are sirens and stereos and rumbling subway trains,
And a hundred different voices, rattling around my brain...
Desperately I need you,
Earnestly I seek you,
I've been trying to reach you
Through the noise
Through the noise..."
Listen here...
For months now, I've been experiencing noise in my head. In college, my first communication studies professor taught me that life is all about messages. There is always a sender and a receiver. The sender wants to communicate something to the receiver, and on a good day, that transmission happens without a problem. But sometimes, there is interference (or noise) that disrupts and mutates the message. There's nothing like static on the line to screw up a call, right? I've never forgotten that illustration in class. And I know it well enough now to identify that I currently have a noise problem. I've got so much pressure in my head...job and career concerns, family concerns, social concerns, health concerns, relationship concerns...and being the organized thinker I am, I want to put each thing in its rightful place. But I haven't been able to find the remote I need to put everything on pause while I tackle each thing one at a time. I find myself juggling things, focusing some time on one thing, some more time on another, all the while not being able to really focus a lot of time on any one thing. I end up putting band-aids on cuts and pushing other things to the side, hoping to buy some more time. Life isn't always chaotic, but the rain sure does pour when it wants to.
I'm not sure if this disturbance is kick-starting a change, or if its a big ole signal to get some of my biggest, deepest issues worked out before I turn 30 and start crawling to the grave (ha). But I know, just from experience alone, that stuff like this happens for a reason. I know change is involved, just not sure to what extent. And I'm not sure what kind of source is creating the noise in my life. Is it good (something shaking up my cushy world) or bad (a result of wrong decisions)? Again, everyone has their own opinions...and everyone, unfortunately, is a fallible human being who came out of the womb with prejudices and preconceived ideas about life (yes, I do believe babies are not as perfect and innocent as they seem haha). I wish I could, like I've said before, pause life for a second, quiet the sirens, and juice up the engines some. But where is the balance? I can't completely focus on my own needs because theres a point where we can become SO consumed with our needs that we become obsessed with nothing else. I was taught to be someone who gave to others, not someone hell bent on consuming as much as possible, hoping satisfaction will come at some point. Its almost a kind of sickness, self-absorption. I can't very well be put to good use if I'm completely emptied out of all resources and clammering to get anything I can. I shift between apathy and passion so often, sometimes several times in one day. But hey, at least I'm not apathetic ALL the time. That would really justify the nickname "Debbie Downer". But speaking of apathy vs passion, I happened to read a couple verses in the Bible this weekend during one of my passionate moments. Its a good starting point, I think, and something that I wanted to put into writing as a reminder to myself when I re-read this...
"And so, dear brothers and sisters,
I plead with you to give your bodies to God. Let them be a living and
holy sacrifice--the kind he will accept. When you think of what he has
done for you, is this too much to ask? Don't
copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you
into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will know
what God wants you to do, and you will know how good and pleasing and
perfect his will really is." (Romans 12:1-2)
Aaaaahhhhh.....I am one confusing jackass! I pity the poor people that put up with me on a regular basis. So if you are one of the regulars that has been affected by my "bonkers" state...lucky you...just remember, patience is a virtue!
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